Don’t allow your relationship to fail. Learn these 5 relationship killers and begin to heal the underlying fears that cause these relationship killers.
As a relationship coach, I am constantly being asked why do relationships end and how to save your relationship. In over two decades of my working with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers or silent red flags in a relationship:
Most people get into a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear instills various forms of controlling behavior which majorly falls into two categories. These overt control and covert control.
Overt control in an open or undisguised control that includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control is disguised and includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
FEELING OF NEEDINESS
A lot of people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloofness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance i.e. withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant, which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes stagnant. Partners in this relationship arrangement feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
People who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloofness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.
LOOKING AT PARTNER’S PLATE
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.
HOW TO HEAL A RELATIONSHIP
All relationship killers come from fear; of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out from a troubled relationship is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.
Another interesting article you can Read: Relationship Is A Gear Mechanism!
Good Luck! Cheers..